Heritage of Hate

                                       

It is time to end this madness.  14 years old I voted to keep the Mississippi State flag because I was young and dumb.  I am older and a littler wiser now.  I don't look at history through rose colored glasses, either.  I don't tell myself pretty little lies to make myself feel better.  No matter how you slice it that symbol on the Mississippi State flag stands for division, hatred, control, power, and (yes) racism.  The symbol might have  stood for other things in the past and might stand for other things for some people today, but that flag divides our nation just as the institution of slavery did 150 years old.

People took that flag and made it into a symbol in the 1950s that we should not want to be a part of.  It was made to symbolize white control over blacks...the stoppage of Civil Rights legislation by the Dixiecrats.  Today it still symbolizes control.  People  are fighting for control over not to change it because it represents the past....Our heritage, they say.  Heritage....heritage of what dominance over another human being?????  Slavery may have been over a long time ago, but the dominance of whites over blacks wasn't.  Heritage of hate crimes perpetuated by cowards disguised in  whites robes????  Heritage of denying basic constitutional rights to our own citizens because we might lose control?????  Is this the heritage we are so desperate trying to save....to connect to the present.....to refuse to lie in the past?????  Are we not willing to change an image to change our image???? to show the world the real Mississippi....the present-day Mississippi?  Or is it that we haven't changed at all?????

People are saying that there is no need to change the flag because it won't change people's hearts.  that statement is very true.  I am afraid, judging by the comments being made, Mississippi hasn't changed all that much in the past 60 years.  People are having a hard time distinguishing history from past.  Myths and misunderstandings are being told as gospel truths.  The under educated are vocalizing the loudest.  Maybe that's why people are so against this change....has been no real change of heart in Mississippi. I really had thought Mississippi had let go of the past and put it nicely in the history books to stay.  I had begun to think Mississippi had moved past the ugliest of her history, but I guess not.

There is no other way to describe this symbol or Mississippi's past, but as a heritage of hate.  No matter how many Southern Rock bands try to make it a Southern Pride symbol.  There is just too much history wrapped up into this to cause anything but division.  But nice try, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

So Long

Four years we decided to get iPhones.  So we went to our cell phone service provider and got them.  I was even talked into getting the iCare package...I never get insurance on anything.  Seeing as it was close to Christmas, we were somewhat worried about a larger than normal cell phone bill, but the service representative assured me that the first bill would not come until after the first of the year because of when the billing cycle was set up.  Imagine my surprise when just a week late, I received a bill for close to $400!!!!  I called the customer service number to complain and get everything straightened out.  I was told that there was nothing to be done, but I could return the phones and leave the company if I was that upset about the situation.  I was seeing red at that point.  It was perfectly acceptable for employees to lie to customers.
I should have left.  I did, however, just pay half of the bill then and half of the bill after Christmas.
Eight months ago, I started receiving upwards 7 to 10 telemarketing phone calls a day.  Even though I was on the Do Not Call list and told the callers to not call me again, I was constantly getting calls.  I would receive  phone calls at 8 in the morning and 10 at night.  I went to my cell service provider to see about changing my phone number.  I was told that it would not be a problem.  It took less than 10 minutes.  Again, imagine my surprise when I found out that I was charged $10 for changing my number.  No one told me that!  I called to complained and was told that I should have known that....how?????
Four months ago we decided to get rid of the iPhones.  After researching we decided to switch to the Galaxy and stay with our current provider.  We were told that we could buy the phones outright for a certain price without changing our plan or going back under a contract.  We had unlimited everything.    Imagine my surprise....probably not surprised by now.....when two months later my bill increases by $30 dollars.  I go to the store to find out why.
And here's what I find:
I am back under a contract and the new cost of my plan is $80 instead of $65 per phone.  We were lied to again.  To say that I am mad at this point is an understatement.  And here's how the problem was fixed:  We had to return our Galaxies, but we could not get the iPhones back because they were sent to the factory (probably to be someone else's refurbished phones).  And everything would be restored to the way it was the day we purchased the Galaxies.  My husband, who didn't need a phone due to having a work phone, got out of the deal free and clear. I, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky.  I had to purchase a slider non smart phone and pitch a fit about having to pay for a smart phone plan to get that changed.
The next day I went to another provider.  Bought a new iPhone with a better plan.  Returned to my previous provider to return the slider.
Never back me into a corner.  I do not have to do business with anybody.  I am the customer.  You, my friend, are not the only show in town.

Memories Are Not Forever

I didn't think turning 40 would affect me....no other birthday has affected me.  Age has always been just a number.  I have always lived according the principle that you are only as old as you feel....and I have never felt old at all.
But the older I get, the more I miss my mom.  I realize now what she went through as those years ago.  She lost her mom as a younger adult with two small children.  Although she had a great relationship with her mother-in-law, sometimes a girl just wants her mother.
There are so many things I want to ask or just simply say to her.
I wish we had been honest with each other in the early stages of the disease.  I wish we had taken advantage of the days while they lasted.  I wish we hadn't refused to acknowledge that something was wrong.  I wish I had wrote down all the questions and had the courage to ask them.  I wish I had recorded the answers.
My son will never know his Nana.  His memories of her will only be of in the hospital as he calls it.  He will never know how much she loved the idea of him.  How much family meant to her.  How much she loved children.
She will never be able to help me raise him as I am so clueless. I can never ask for her advice.  I can only rely on my memories and what I think she would have done based on what I know of her.
No one can fully understand the wickedness of this situation until you have traveled down this road.  It is a road I truly hopes no one ever has to walk.  As my mom lies in a bed slowly dying, she was taken from me years ago by  Alzheimer's.  We wasted this critical early years by pretending everything was ok.  We should have been documenting our lives for later.  We should have been preparing for heartache.  I have very little left of my mom.  I have a lot of memories, but...as I know all too well, even those are not guaranteed to last forever.
I wear purple for my mom who I said my good bye too last April.  She didn't know who I was when I waved and said, "I love you Mom."
I can walk into her room anytime I want too, but my mom won't be there.  She hasn't been there in a long time.  She is no longer lying in that bed.  Her soul...her mind left a long time ago.  What is in that bed is just the shell of who she was.
Purple was her favorite color.  It has always been mine.  Now it means even more.

The Break-Up

Last Wednesday, January 14th, began as an ordinary day. Little did I know it would end in devastating heart break to which I have little to compare. 

The beginning of the end began with a simple phone: can you come to church early or stay a little late? I would like to talk to you.  Said the preacher.

Thirty minutes early we were at church.

****backstory****

I am a Christian but I don't trust the Church.  Christians are hurtful people who talk a good game but rarely practice what they preach. Everyone sins, but not everyone forgives.  I am working so hard to not be one of those Christians.  God has always had my back, and when I was one of those people calling Christians weak I never turned away from God...just from the Church.
However in 2010 I felt a pull...heard a call.  I refused to answer for almost a year.  In September of 2011 I entered The Church on Main.  It was the best decision for my family.  I found peace.  I found a group of non judgemental people who cared. The message was simple: go after people's hearts...simply love mankind regardless of level brokenness because we are all broken.  God loves each of us...we should do no less.  Through example show the world the life of Chirst.  Admit sin. Ask forgiveness. Move on. Strive to do better. My son flourished in his learning at the tender young age of four.  He was happy.  We slowly took on roles inside the church. Made friends, which was huge for me. I guard my emotions and heart...too scared of the resulting pain.

*****
Then it happened.  The Devil made his way in. The church came under attack. 

It subtle but I felt something was off.  We had prayed for change, and change we got.  Our children's ministry leader stepped down causing two couples to step up...we were one. Decisions became dividers.  The worship team became smaller as the other couple became more involved.  Still I was not willing give in and leave. This was my Church family. 

Facebook was the catalyst for the ending of a wonderful relationship.  We had started a church page that the other couple demanded co-control over that we were told to allow in order to not have strife.  Then they got offended by a post on our personal Facebook page and went to the preacher with concerns.

And that is where the phone call and meeting came into play.  What should have been a non issue became strife in the Church. We were told to apologize for offending the other couple. At that point my pride and stubbornness came out.  I had played nice for four months. I let all my concerns that were spoken be over looked for four months. I let all my opinions fall on deaf ears for four months.  I was done. I put the snacks on the table for the children and walked out.

No goodbyes were said. I was too hurt. My friend, my brother in Christ, my preacher turned his back on me.  I waited for him to reach out...to acknowledge the hurt that he caused.  The phone was hauntingly silent as my heart continued to break.  I hurt for the Church that was my home.   After three days, I told my story on Facebook. I really wanted to tell my friends goodbye and why I left.  The messages of love poured in.  The pain eased. The understandings were stated.

Then the phone call came. It was time for spin control.  The preacher called because he felt disrespected by the post. He claimed no knowledge of our being upset.  He just didn't want bad publicity. The break-up from the Church was complete.  Distrust and hurt was too deep rooted and both sides.  We didn't want go back, and we wouldn't be welcomed back.

The pain and heart break is not as bad too.  My son cried when I tried to explain to him that we would not be going back to that Church.  It's sad that I expect to the topic of gossip at a place that I shouldn't be.  I will continue to pray for my friends that they triumph in this battle with the Devil and for those that are being used by the Devil.